Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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