Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
