so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
