The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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