The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
