Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just want nice things and good sex
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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