I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
The air taste purple.
Randomize
