whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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