"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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