she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
