I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize