so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
