I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
