i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
