i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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