Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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