420 ftw
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
