i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
