I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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