apparently the secret to your success is patron
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
