WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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