you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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