I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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