too bad you live with your parents still
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
