Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize