It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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