so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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