Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
