Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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