When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
