sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
