I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
