omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize