I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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