Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
