hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
