i think my mom watched the whole time
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
