you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Never joke about your clitoris.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
