Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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