nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Houston, we have a squirter
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
