all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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