You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I have fence marks all over my body
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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