I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Are my feet made of real feet?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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