So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
two words...techno handjob
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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