How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
