Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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