I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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