I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
