So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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