Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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