nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
