I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize