I'm pants shitting drunk right now
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Randomize
