I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize