And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
