Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
