all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
