My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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