Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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