i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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