You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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