do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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