it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
