This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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