i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize