And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
