I think my fart just growled at me.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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