never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
