I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize